HOLLYWOOD, CA – Last week, Digimagine Filmworks released their anticipated lesbian period drama, Calling The Wife. However, viewers were shocked to find out that the film actually had a happy ending despite being a lesbian movie: a genre known for its dark, depressing, and fatal endings.
“I’m so confused,” said lesbian film critic, Marni Curry while hugging her emotional support DVD boxset of Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 6. “Lesbian supposed to die at the end… it’s all I know. Otherwise… Lost & Delirious, The 100, Orange is the New Black… they could’ve had a happy ending? Where Lesbian lives on happily ever after like Straight Woman?”
While some queer women react like Curry, rocking back and forth like a prisoner from Plato’s allegory of the cave, others are praising Calling The Wife, which carries all the typical elements of any lesbian film: lingering looks, long walks on the beach, a sex scene so graphic that you’re like, “Did I type in PornHub instead of Netflix by accident again?”
But instead of a lesbian character committing suicide, or marrying a man despite her true feelings, or dying of AIDS, or getting shot through a window for no reason, the characters move in together and get their dream jobs.
“They didn’t even at least have a sad ending,” continued Curry. “They just like… went out for ice cream. No one even graffitied a slur on the side of their homes. It’s like the director was trying to make us feel good about being lesbians? Like the director was a lesbian herself, but I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”
The main couple in Calling The Wife even adopt a dog together, who doesn’t die at the end either, despite another commonality in dramatic dog films. However, the dogs usually get more of an uproar when they are harmed or killed in a film, so most can see why they were spared.
Despite this advancement in lesbian cinema, queer women of colour still haven’t made it to the “lesbian character survives but has a sad, sad life” stage. Another recent film, Forever Heaven features two women of colour. However, one dies of a rare disease that makes your hair fall out – something that can’t actually kill you, and the other dies by being thrown into an active volcano.”
At press time, queer women were celebrating the ending of Calling The Wife until someone noticed a mid-credit scene where the couple gets eaten by a family of bears for no reason.