CHRISTMAS ISLAND, AUSTRALIA – After being detained by the Australian Border Force for failing to meet the country’s vaccination requirements ahead of the Australian Open, Novak Djokovic has entered and lost The Detention Centre Open, the country’s first tennis tournament for asylum seekers.
The Open saw detainees from across Australia’s infamous network of holding centres be forcibly shipped to Christmas Island to compete on its prestigious dirt court. ESPN described the field of athletes as “showing potential, but held back by medical issues,” while several news outlets have compared the centres to concentration camps. Amnesty International decried the Open’s bleak conditions while predicting a Djokovic victory.
According to a local sports reporter, Djokovic cruised through early opponents who were either malnourished or had recently used self-harm to protest their living conditions. However, Djokovic began struggling once matched with detainees who had been tennis enthusiasts before fleeing certain death in global hotspots like Syria, Afghanistan, and Myanmar.
After a nail-biting semi-final against an Afghani teacher who eventually collapsed from exhaustion, Djokovic was felled by Jalal Semaan, a Syrian accountant and the top-ranked survivor from his old tennis club.
“I hope my family—” Semaan began at the post-match press conference before being whisked away by Australian authorities. Taking the podium next, Djokovic argued that he could have easily won the Open had he been subjected to a different set of rules than everyone else.
A human rights advocate called both the camps and Djokovic’s performance “appalling.” “Mr. Djokovic should have wiped the floor with these victims of state violence,” he said. “But let’s be real, he choked this one. Taking the first set, only to be crushed in the next three? Come on, dude.”
“No disrespect to Semaan, but if Andy Murray was stupid enough to be an anti-vaxxer he would have wiped the floor here,” he added.
At press time, the detention Djokovic had forced on himself with his conspiratorial views was being speedily processed because of his celebrity.