Local craft brewery makes world's first sentient IPA - The Beaverton

Local craft brewery makes world’s first sentient IPA

TORONTO- Local Brewers Jeff King and Karl Bluff have shocked the fans of their local craft brewery by releasing an IPA with such hoppy complexity that the brew has gained sentience. 

“It started off simple, we just wanted to push the limits of craft beer by making the hoppiest, haziest beer imaginable,” explains Karl Bluff. “We wanted to make a beer so hoppy it’ll make you want to see the Arkells three nights in a row and blow $600 at Farm Boy. Turns out when you cross 5000 IBUs it becomes sentient life. I’m worried we may have flown too close to the sun.”

Reports from the brewery describe hearing quotes from Pulp Fiction coming from the newly packaged brew.

“When I went to investigate where the Samuel L. Jackson impersonation was coming from, I was shocked when the beer told me that I’d probably never understood the meaning of the film anyways,” said Jeff. “Really – yesterday he was a pile of water and malt and today he’s defending Tarantino! This is a bigger miracle than ‘Girls just want to have Hedgefunds’ the sextuple hopped New West Coast England IPA we made last spring.” 

When asked for comment, the sentient IPA (who demanded to be called BARNABUS in a voice so booming it shook the floorboards) remarked only, “I want to be free of this capitalist hellscape, but also remain fiscally conservative,” before immediately launching into a list of his favourite bands that you certainly haven’t heard of.

“We wanted to make a beer that was bitter – but not this bitter. Also, I wish it would stop calling me dad,” remarks Karl.

Fans of the brewery were ecstatic to bring home a brew with a mind of its own.

“Ever since I brought this brew home, it’s been gaslighting my girlfriend for me! It’s such a time saver,” says local craft beer aficionado Edwin Shank. “He also agrees that cancel-culture has gone too far and essentially ruined comedy.”

BARNABUS, The Sentient IPA, has a 19% ABV and can be purchased for two mint pennies and a gentleman’s handshake.