CALGARY – In an effort to clear his conscience before he expires, terminally ill uncle of four Michael Grosberg has admitted to his family that the monster pike he claims to have caught in his teens was nowhere near as massive as he’s spent most of his life saying it was.
“When I said it was over 70 feet long, I may have rounded up a bit,” Grosberg said from his hospital bed. “Also, I’m willing to admit the part where it swallowed my boat whole and I had to pry my way out of its jaws in order to wrestle it onto land wasn’t the exact truth.”
Reactions to Grosberg’s final confession have been tepid. “I mean, I knew this last meeting he called wouldn’t be about who he’s leaving his money to,” said nephew Matthew Park, who was a little annoyed he had to drive 3 hours for what his uncle assured him was a vital family meeting. “But I guess telling obvious fibs about things that no one cared about is pretty on-brand for him”
“Also, I’m really glad he didn’t ask me to pull his finger one last time. The doctor said in his condition, that could be fatal.”
While surprised by his family’s lack of devastation over his confession, Grosberg is still relieved he told the truth. “I’ve been hiding this secret for shame for so long, it’s a relief just to get it all out there. I know this won’t make up for years of deception, but maybe by coming clean in the end I can make it up to that fishing boat in the sky. I actually had one of those once by the way.”
In order to protect what his complex web of lies, Grosberg has repeatedly avoided any possible fishing trip by saying he had carpal tunnel, claiming he doesn’t want to show up anyone with his fishing talent, and by making it sound like a completely boring waste of time.
Grosberg will be remembered by his family and 3 ex-wives. At press time, Grosberg was using what might be his dying breath to whisper in his nephew’s ear “The Trans Am I drove in my 20s actually wasn’t that sweet.”