CASTLE LAZARUS – Doctor Viktor Lazarus a “self-taught” student of the biological and galvanic sciences has purportedly been working for weeks to repeat his past success at creating ungodly life.
Eyewitnesses recount seeing Lazarus proclaim, “It lives! It liiiiives!!!” as lightning surged into the corpse on the table before him, ultimately failing to produce anything other than foul-smelling smoke.
Turning his rage on his indentured grad students, the deranged “doctor” screamed, “You fools! These instruments must be faulty! Go and fetch new healing crystals and refill the alkaline water dispensers! Quickly, while mercury is still in retrograde!”
While his team worked to reset his experiment, Lazarus spoke to reporters about the “highly scientific” principles behind his work.
“You see, a living human body contains electricity whereas a dead one does not. So by infusing a dead body with elemental lightning I hypothesize I can restore it to life.” said Lazarus, misinterpreting the two grade-school level science facts to draw the wrong conclusion.
A paper published in Nature describing the pseudoscientist’s “success” was heavily reported on by news outlets and widely circulated online by the nation’s aunts and uncles before being quietly redacted with little fanfare.
Dr. Susanna Crenshaw PhD, MSc, C.Chem details the now redacted paper’s shortcomings. “What the holy hell- Did anyone actually read this before reporting on it? The paper’s abstract is a 2-page soliloquy on ‘what separates God from man’ and under procedure he writes ‘My methods are not for lesser minds’. Also, he uses MLA style citations, which is just insane for a scientific paper.”
A background check further reveals the mad “doctor’s” only credentials being a four-week correspondence course at the University of Learning, and a certification from www.free-certificate-templates.ru
At press time, Lazarus’s unfounded pseudoscientific bullshit was being used to peddle a new “raw lightning therapy” on The Joe Rogan Show, wherein practitioners taser themselves in the neck in order to stimulate the body’s natural healing response.
