“Before this, it took time and a stunning lack of effort to grow your bathroom’s layer of little black hairs. And until your bathroom has that tapestry of bodily fibres, does it really feel like home?” said Ikea’s head of development, Marküs Schlüben.
The Grovahårstrån is part of Ikea’s new Motbjudande or “Disgusting Bachelor” bathroom line, which also includes permanently damp hand towels and an upside-down frisbee to keep toothpaste in. According to Mr. Schlüben, the product development process at their headquarters in Conshohocken was generally revolting, but perfecting the Grovahårstrån was especially bleak.
“Everyone knows when you enter a single man’s bathroom, it’s going to be an old growth forest of tiny black hairs,” said Mr. Schlüben, smiling through a dry heave. “But not everyone asks themselves ‘how did they get here?’ and ‘where on his body did they come from?’ These were the types of questions we had to ask ourselves. Unfortunately.”
Single male Ikea customers are loving the new product line, with 22-year-old Ikea stan Adam Jones raving, “It usually takes me forever to get my gross hairs all over the bathroom; now, I can use all the time I saved to not buy toilet paper!”
The Motbjudande line will soon be expanded to include mirrors splattered with toothpaste spittle, little pools of water to keep your toiletries in, and a crusty electric razor the Disgusting Bachelor can use for his face and also for not his face. Ikea has even hinted they’ll be expanding into other corners of the Disgusting Bachelor’s studio basement, with the Smutsigtrum bedroom line featuring absolutely no bed-frames and the Irriterandeturist luggage line, which will include a travel pack of black hairs to sprinkle around AirBnB bathrooms.
At press time, Ikea would not confirm when their new product lines will be available for purchase, but did note that “by popular demand” they’ll be introducing the Grovahårstrån in grey hairs for recently divorced men.