NATIONWIDE – As Canadians slowly prepare to re-enter society after more than a year in lockdown, scientists around the country are warning makeup users not to use the products that have been sitting in their purses for the past year, because that shit is getting real gross about now.
“Similar to most foods and one’s tolerance for Glee covers, cosmetics do in fact have an expiration date,” says scientist Dr. Laurel Peters, who declined to appear via video call as she had literally forgotten how to apply eyeliner. “Makeup undergoes a three stage decomposition process. First, it starts to smell a little off, like your ex-boyfriend Todd. Then, it becomes very flaky, like your ex-boyfriend Todd. Then, it becomes straight-up toxic, again like your ex-boyfriend Todd.”
Dr. Peters’ claims are corroborated by numerous anecdotal reports from makeup users across Canada. Debra Rutherford of Saskatoon thought she’d try to “dress up” for her vaccine appointment by putting on a little eye makeup in the waiting room – only to immediately give herself pink eye. “I was so pale and red-eyed, they thought I had COVID,” she said, talking to the wall since her eyes were sealed shut with pus.
Scientists also briefly believed an amorphous sticky red blob found in the depths of Ms. Rutherford’s purse could have been a new type of fungus, but lab tests revealed it was just a hunk of Babybel cheese wax from her kid’s snack wrapped around an old chapstick.
Ava Browning of Fredericton also ran into problems when getting spruced up to receive her vaccine. “My mascara wand had hardened into some kind of shiv,” she says. “Ah, well – now I can hold it between my fingers instead of my keys when I walk home alone.”
Though the social conditioning to wear makeup is strong, scientists are advising vaccinated individuals to forgo putting on a full face of makeup and continue wearing a mask – not only for protection against COVID-19, but because that expired cover-up isn’t going to do shit for your maskne.
But there is a safety component to these precautions, as well. After bawling for a solid twenty-two minutes following her first dose of the vaccine, an Ontario woman who must legally remain anonymous went to touch up her makeup – only to find that her purse foundation had morphed into a literal biohazard. Both the woman and the product in question are now under strict lockdown, lest they cause a new pandemic.
In addition to throwing out the old makeup products in your purse, Dr. Peters recommends disposing of that three-year-old granola bar and all those crumpled up receipts. She advises that the loose candies at the bottom of your grandma’s purse, on the other hand, continue to be as safe as they were before the pandemic, and that Canadians are free to smoke that half joint they forgot about “for science.”