EDMONTON – The latest report compiled by market experts has revealed that the 2021 release from noted calendar brand “Omg Pups!” is filled with absolute uggos this year.
The newest 13-month calendar, normally known for its adorable cascade of precocious pups in all sorts of whimsical situations, instead chose to opt for the most hideous dregs of writhing canine-monstrosities possible.
“Jesus Christ,” avid-puppy calendar enthusiast Muriel Goldstein commented in regards to, honestly, the most disgusting two month old German Shepard one could conceivably find.
“The mom should have eaten it, do dogs do that? They should start.”
The disgusting clumps of fur and asymmetrical features that coalesce into a vague dog-shape, which are technically sentient beings, were released to the market with no accountability for the general populace’s stomachs or the safety of their eyes.
“Put it away!” the report concludes. “I can’t look at that… fucking sheltie? No. There’s no way, that shit is a furry mangled scorpion or some shit. Get it away from me.”
In the most damning month, October, the subject we legally must refer to as a puppy appears to be slithering its mangy appendages up a children’s slide, with no regard for the countless minds it will preoccupy late at night for the foreseeable future.
Omg Pups! responded to the report by defending their decision, in a tear-stained statement that reads “Do you know how hard it is to find cute puppies every month? We’re at the end of our rope, we had no choice.”
The company has reportedly pre-emptively filed for bankruptcy, to mitigate the onslaught of lawsuits suing them for damages caused by this gut-churning product they spewed onto the public.
