WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has officially signed an executive order establishing seven new American states which have all coincidentally pledged their electoral votes to him.
“I’m very proud of these new states of our nation for heeding the call of democracy and voting me into another term as your president,” said Trump. “I’d like to thank the great states of East Dakota, Anti-Portland, and the five others whose names, populations, and geographic locations we’ll figure out in the next week or so.”
In addition to the two states revealed in Trump’s pronouncement, formal incorporation documents have revealed that the new members of the union include “Florida 2”, “West Russia”, and “Georgia Except Without So Many Black People”. In order to avoid the need to change the country’s flag, seven existing states will also be dissolved and their votes invalidated. Those close to the president expect that California, Washington, Vermont, Oregon, New York, Illinois, and Massachusetts will all be wound down in the coming months. The lands they previously occupied will become unincorporated frontierland devoid of the rule of law.
“I want to particularly single out the new state of Mar-A-Lago, whose brave population of underpaid bellhops, maids, and concierges voted for me en masse for reasons totally unrelated to the terms of their employment agreements,” Trump continued.
With the executive branch granting the new states a collective 34 billion electoral votes, Trump is touting the election results as an historic landslide victory for his administration. Efforts are already underway for victory parties in the some of the newly created capital cities such as Trumpistan, Ivankaberg, Juniortown, and Eric-and-Tiffany-Will-Have-To-Share-One-I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Call-It.
Rudy Giuliani, who himself was named as the entire seventh new state, could not be reached for comment as he was too busy canvassing random women if they wanted to be his “new governor.”