EDMONTON – Jason Kenney has been celebrating the bumper harvest Alberta is expecting to bring in this year, but has been reticent to name which deity he holds responsible for this agricultural bounty.
“We believe that this may be the single biggest year in the history of Alberta agriculture,” Kenney said this week during a press conference. “It is truly a blessing, a godsend, and we owe our thanks to, well, you know.”
When pressed by reporters as to who, exactly, he was thanking for this year’s exceptional crop of wheat, corn, barley and canola, Kenney repeated that Alberta was very grateful for the agrarian gift that had been bestowed upon it and to everyone and everything responsible for it.
“Given the economic hardships that have befallen us and the continuing struggles of the oil industry, we could not be more thankful or more appreciative of the boon that has been granted to our farmers and our province,” Kenney continued. “And rest assured, the government of Alberta will continue to do whatever is necessary to ensure the fruitfulness of the land.”
“Fruitfulness of the land, fruitfulness of the land, fruitfulness of the land,” Kenney chanted softly, while clutching a small idol made of dried wheat so tightly he drew blood.
Despite numerous attempts by reporters to get specifics about what exactly the government was doing to ensure the “fruitfulness of the land,” Kenney would only say the government of Alberta is committed to helping its farmers by giving them whatever they require for the harvest, including equipment, scientific advisers, and “as many human… resources as are necessary until the reaping is complete.”
While Kenney began twitching noticeably when reporters attempted to get more information by asking about specific agricultural gods like Dagon, Enkimdu, and Xipe Totec, he flat out refused to answer anymore questions after CBC reporter Linda Horton asked if a recent change in the prayer said in the Alberta legislature to give thanks to ‘He Who Walks The Fields’ and ‘The Ravenous One’ had anything to do with this year’s harvest.
Horton could not be reached for comment as she has not been seen or heard from since leaving the press conference in her car, which was later found abandoned on the side of an isolated back-country road, overflowing with ripe wheat.