NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON – Upper-middle class residents of a picturesque town are on edge after reports of a drive-by hooting that police say exceeded 75 dB.
Locals became suspicious of the suspect’s non-luxury vehicle which made several passes on Queen’s Parade before the passenger pulled out his mouth and emitted several sounds.
“It could have been a ‘woot! woot!’, a ‘yeehaw!’, or someone complaining about the lack of parking,” said a soft spoken Sergeant of the Niagara Regional Police. “Our investigators are working very quietly with the community on this one.”
“He just kept hooting and hooting in rapid succession,” whispered a stodgy owner of a $2 million saltbox-style house who was in earshot when the louder noise occurred. “I could have been mildly disturbed had I been closer.”
Some residents blame the normal rumblings on an ongoing country club turf war between the septuagenarian and octogenarian gangs.
“Whenever violence happens in our town, we must hold on to and cherish our values,” murmured a proprietor of a $5 million mansion who was just gossiping about a neighbor’s subpar picket fence. “…our property values, and they’re going down thanks to all of this racket. Just last week, I survived someone stepping on a twig at a nearby park.”
The town, which recently proposed a by-law banning noises above 55 decibels, has not seen such level of traumatizing noise since it was burned down in 1813 by invading American forces after snobbish inhabitants petitioned to have the War of 1812 relocated to another continent.
Meanwhile, police were dealing with dozens of 911 calls from residents complaining about a passing thunderstorm.