TORONTO – Marsha King, a 30-year-old single woman who has been without real human contact for over five months due to the pandemic, was recently overheard proudly declaring that she had obtained “regular” status at her local coronavirus nasal swab location.
“I don’t want to seem like a big deal,” she said, adjusting a facemask that was printed to look like her actual face, “but I come here all the time. These guys know me. People will tell you that doesn’t matter, but the amount of time I spend here with these doctors firmly-yet-gently holding my head steady as they jam a giant Q-tip through my brain is really important to all of us. The fact that the brain is the sexiest organ is really just the icing on the cake.”
“It’s like I always say, who needs a boyfriend when you’re practically going steady with the guy or gal who takes your temperature in the waiting room, right, ladies?”
Robert Khan, who was recently tested for the first time, recounted standing behind Marsha in line.
“She turned to me and started sharing her ‘secret intel’ on things like how to skip the line, the best hours to show up to avoid long wait times, and even which doctors had the most ‘sensual’ hands,” Khan recounted. “And then she asked if she could make out with me over our masks since we were about to be tested anyway. When I said no, she started crying, pulled out her phone, and booked her third swab appointment of the day at the hospital down the street.”
“She won’t stop trying to bribe the nurse at the door to let her in first, even though it never works,” explained Marissa White, a doctor at King’s clinic. “And if I’m being honest, she seems to enjoy the procedure a bit too much, you know? Just yesterday she asked a visibly uncomfortable Doctor Kowalski if he’d leave the swab in for a few minutes because it just ‘feels good to feel something.’”
At press time, King had just been kicked out of a different testing site for getting into a fight with her favourite doctor after discovering that he’d also swabbed her mother.