Alberta announces it will only protect the most profitable wildlife - The Beaverton
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Alberta announces it will only protect the most profitable wildlife

EDMONTON – Citing the mounting cost to taxpayers, Alberta’s government announced that it will be only be protecting wildlife that can turn a profit.

Environment Minister Jason Nixon said the government will be cutting protected birds, animals, and fish that have been living on the land rent free, but haven’t done their part to balance the provincial budget.

“Big Horned Sheep can draw a crowd and sell t-shirts at a gift shop, but mountain goats just snare traffic,” said Nixon during a press scrum in the Alberta Legislature. “Moose posted a poor fourth quarter profit so they’re on thin ice and the bisons have to give us a viable plan or else it might be back to near extinction for them.”

Popular animals such as grizzly bears will be spared, but less majestic ones will be given to third parties or privatized.

“Sandpipers and mountain sparrows need to reinvent their if they want to enjoy the privilege of playing their songs under Alberta’s protection,” scorned Nixon about freeloading bird species can do without. “We will stop subsidizing these so-called artists that only work during the summer before taking off to someplace warmer during the winter. It’s not fair to the hardworking people of Alberta.”

Despite their haunting howls, wolves will no longer be protected since few tourists ever see them leaving them disappointed.

“These slackers never show up to work to entertain their clients and want us to keep their habitat nice and tidy? This wildlife welfare has to end.”

However, the UCP reassured the public that it will continue to heavily fund and protect its most vulnerable species, oil and gas CEOs.