“Every week, Disney releases details about the glowstick wizards, or Dark Vader, or that green baby who’s 50 years old for some reason, and every week, Brian goes absolutely fucking nuclear about it,” says Brian’s cubemate, Neera Singh. “It doesn’t matter if the news is good or bad. Brian’s pissed regardless.”
It’s unclear when Brian’s fanatical passion for Star Wars began, though it seems to intensify whenever he’s asked how he’s holding up in the wake of his recent divorce. Co-workers have privately compiled a list of words to avoid around Brian, including “spaceship,” “Jar-Jar,” and most importantly, “Rian Johnson”.
“Brian needs to chill,” Neera added. “Rachel from IT had to bring her daughter into work last Tuesday, and God help her, her backpack had the girl on it. You know, the one who’s wearing a shirt that looks like it’s made out of toilet paper? I’d never seen a grown man call an 8-year-old an ‘SJW cucklord’ before, but I guess there’s a first for everything.”
When asked what he likes about Star Wars, Brian points to his decades-old fan Tumblr, though reporters were unable to find a single positive post. His most recent entry is a 3000 word screed about how much happier Palpatine would have been as a “Virgin MGTOW.” Other posts discuss how unlikely it would have been to see “the CANON Padme” wearing pants.
“His whole deal is just hating the thing he claims to love,” Neera explained. “There’s no way this guy knows anything about space or objective reality. I get that he misses his wife, but does he have to cope by explaining at length that the gold robot and the blue trash can are definitely not fucking?”
Brian remains unavailable for comment, as he took a half day after someone tried to talk to him about vulcans.