VANCOUVER – In response to a widening controversy over the installation of a $4.8-million spinning chandelier under a bridge while the city is experiencing a homelessness crisis, Vancouver millionaires are banding together to show the chandelier it has their support.
“I don’t know why they didn’t install something like this sooner,” said local millionaire Archie Townsend. “It really draws the eye away from the squalor. Or am I not allowed to look at nice things when I’m zooming by in my Tesla? Because that’s discrimination.”
Tired of seeing international news reports about the chandelier that focus on its obnoxious extravagance at a time when thousands in the city don’t have access to safe housing, Townsend has taken it upon himself to gather other like minded millionaires to demonstrate their unwavering approval for the chandelier and the luxury property developer who installed it.
“When Archie called and asked me to support the chandelier, at first I was like, who cares about public chandeliers? I have my own, better, private chandeliers,” said Maissy Locke, while glemonstrating (glamorous demonstrating) under the bridge with a dozen other millionaires. “But he convinced me it’s the principle of the thing. If we don’t speak up when they come for this chandelier, who will speak up when they come for our chandeliers?”
“I truly don’t know why everyone is complaining, isn’t it better that the hobos who choose to live under this bridge have something nice to look at?” said Townsend. “They’re not here now, of course, we had them removed before we arrived, but when they trickle back, I think they’ll appreciate all the money spent beautifying the bridge they shelter under. Like the time I came back from a weekend in Rome and was so pleased to discover my then-wife had all the bathrooms in each of our houses reclad in Italian marble. This is exactly like that.”
Once they’re done with their chandelier rally, the millionaires are considering demonstrating for (or hiring people to demonstrate for) other causes in Vancouver they believe need attention, like keeping panhandlers at least 100 meters away from the local Tiffany’s and forcing the city to finally do something about the mysterious sulfur smell that often permeates the Coal Harbour yacht marina.