OTTAWA – Former Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer has checked himself into a treatment center for his milk addiction.
“After a conversation with my kids, my loved ones, and my friends, I’ve decided that I need to confront my addiction to dairy products,” said Scheer in a statement to the press.
Scheer said his milkoholism started in the 2017 leadership race when he was invited to lavish parties put on by the Dairy lobby.
“It first started with skim, but then I wasn’t getting enough of a hit out of that,” admitted the 40-year-old Conservative MP. “So I went to higher percentages to get that sweet, sweet protein and lactose.”
Every night since then, the Conservative leader went on milk-fueled benders with many in the public believing he was giving his unconditional support to the Dairy Commission without harming himself.
“Before I knew it, I was taking shots of 35% whipping cream off of Hamish Marshall’s stomach in some seedy dairy bar.”
The former opposition leader tried to keep his addiction issues a secret from the public, but it became more evident when he started taking swigs from the carton at campaign stops or his dairy-related delirium tremens known as milkshakes.
“One time, on the campaign trail, he ran out of milk,” said one Conservative staffer.” He forced the campaign bus to pull over at the nearest pasture, and he took it straight from the cow’s udders. I still can’t get the image of that out of my head.”
“He blew all of his children’s private school tuition on his chocolate milk habit and was forced to steal instead of a much worse alternative – sending them to public school,” said one insider close to Scheer’s election campaign. “He needs help.”