LONDON, ON — What was supposed to be a regular night, at Dawson’s Pub and Eatery, turned to mayhem last night when the appearance of a microphone stand sent many patrons fleeing for their lives.
“I’ve never known fear like that,” said bar regular Richard Hughson, who was hoping to spend a relaxing night playing Jenga with college pals at the back of the bar. “It was almost knee-jerk. When I saw the microphone stand I just knew bad things were afoot. I booked it. I don’t even know who paid the bill.”
According to bar management, Hughson was not alone in leaving the bar in such a flurry. Authorities are in the process of reconnecting customers with their unpaid bills, along with other missing items like bags, shoes, and phones.
As stated by many witnesses, the moment dishwasher Kyle Clark pulled the microphone stand from the utility closet and began setting it up at the back of the bar, chaos ensued. A “stampede” of customers began running for their lives, fearing a night of amateur musical performance. “It was a gruesome sight,” recalled line cook Dave Kennedy. “People were shoving and trampling each other. Children were crying. It was awful. Just awful.”
The spectacle left many bar patrons similarly scared and shaken. “You hear horror stories about accidentally stumbling into open mic nights but you never think it will happen to you,” recalled witness Sarah Zelinski. “It’s scary to think that had I not noticed the microphone stand sooner, I would have been subjected to a night of bad Bob Dylan covers or worse… stand up”
While many, like Sarah Zelinski, were lucky to flee in time, some were less fortunate. Roughly five bar visitors were unable to vacate before the first act took the stage and remained throughout the night mainly out of obligation and a fear of being rude. All five are currently under psychological evaluation at St Michael’s Hospital where a team of doctors are monitoring their recovery following third degree exposure to covers of “Hey There Delilah”.
While the night was surely a harrowing experience for all, it was not without heroes. Some, like Kevin Mitchell, took it upon themselves to help their fellow man, alerting other patrons of what was to come and assisting in their exit. “Many people weren’t aware it was open mic night so as I left, I went up to each table and said ‘hey heads up I think it’s open mic night’,” said Mitchell from a hospital bed where is recovering from tinnitus caused by microphone feedback. “I don’t really see myself as a hero. I was just doing what’s right”
Authorities are warning the public to be on high alert. “If you see something, we of course encourage you to say something” said Constable Matthew Costello. “Whether it be a microphone stand a chalkboard sign, or even a clipboard on a stool.”
“If you feel there is a high risk of an open mic night unfolding, we encourage you to vacate the premise and alert authorities immediately”