OTTAWA – The Conservative Party has announced that following Andrew Scheer’s resignation as party leader, they will also be expecting to recoup the knowledge his kids acquired while attending private schools paid for by the party.
Party MP Sylvia McQueen explained that the party expects full restitution, claiming that the kids “learned a bunch of stuff, and we want it back from their brains.”
When asked how the party would go about repossessing the ill-gotten knowledge, McQueen failed to offer a strategy, instead repeating that she expects “every lesson, every insight, and any peripheral inspiration” gained from teachers to be promptly returned.
While some would say the simpler approach would be to demand monetary compensation, McQueen pointed out that the damage is already done. “Even if we are reimbursed for the tuition fees, those kids still learned stuff. That’s Conservative Party wisdom, and it’s only fair they give it back.”
This is not the first time the Conservative Party has demanded satisfaction, as former Prime Minister Stephen Harper was once billed for the sweet, soul-funk vibes his band put out when it was discovered he was using party funds to finance their jam sessions.
Going forward, the Conservative Party has indicated that failure to comply may involve charging interest on the missing knowledge. “The longer Scheer takes to make this right, the more learning we will demand from his kids,” said McQueen. “At standard interest rates, by 2025 we may have to repossess basic skills such as multiplication tables and knowledge of the colour wheel.”
When asked for comment, Scheer commented that “The party only paid for the difference in costs between schools in Regina and Ottawa, so they should only get a bit of insight back. Maybe just what they learned from substitute teachers.”