Christmas is a time to let the people in your life know you care through time honoured traditions the most significant of which is agreeing to an office secret Santa gift exchange, realizing you know nothing about literally any of the people you spend forty hours a week with, putting it off, panicking, and then just giving Nancy in accounts receivable a twenty dollar bill.
Since the Holidays can be a busy time, we’ve made this custom easier by preparing a list of 5 office secret santa gifts that all say “I don’t know you as well as I thought I did when I agreed to this dumb morale building exercise so fuck it, here’s twenty bucks.”
1. A Twenty Dollar Bill In An Envelope
Classics are classics for a reason. The method of slipping a crisp twenty fresh from the ATM into a red envelope you found dog eared in your junk drawer is a timeless, classy gesture that will let your coworkers know you care enough to do the bare fucking minimum. It’s so considerate, the doink that brought Jesus myrrh will wish he thought of it.
2. A Twenty Dollar Bill In A Gift Box
Those that fancy themselves as an office trickster may opt to go for the classic psych-out of placing the legal tender inside a beautifully wrapped ornate box, giving the illusion of a much more personal gift. Kevin’s been mentioning his preferred liquor for months now in the hopes his secret santa will take note so he’ll likely get excited when a scotch sized bottle is placed in his lap but PSYCH, the gift remains a twenty dollar bill as it has always been and as it always shall be.
3. A Twenty Dollar Bill Taped Onto A Three Pack Of Ferrero Rocher
Yes, technically there was a spend cap of twenty dollars across the office and yes, technically the chocolates came to an additional $1.29 but money should be no object when it comes to securing your spot as office sweetheart. By including some mid-tier chocolate you got while waiting in line at Shoppers Drug Mart, you’ll send a clear message to all your coworkers: “I’m the nicest person that works at this forsaken building and don’t you ever forget it.”
4. A Twenty Dollar Gift Certificate Valid For A Restaurant They’ve Never Expressed Interest In
While not technically a twenty dollar bill, a gift certificate exudes the same “you are a stranger to me and I could not name a single interest of yours” energy as an actual bank norel while also being infinitely worse. By selecting a generic restaurant they’ve never expressed any interest in, you can let them know you’ve nonetheless deduced they would enjoy eating absolute trash from a Montanas by the nearest town exit. What’s more, the low denomination will likely lock them into spending a significant amount of their own hard earned money in order to cover a positively garbage burger and their cheapest beer.
5. An American Twenty Dollar Bill
Pressed for time but still want to stress that your secret santa, a person you have seen every day for the past three years, could die tomorrow and you wouldn’t have one nice thing to say about them at the funeral because you’ve never really interacted with them aside from banal pleasantries? Why not swap out a regular old Canadian twenty dollar bill for a crumpled up American twenty! It’s a fun gift that says “I’ve had this in my wallet ever since I got back from Vegas and I wish you more luck than I had in finding a place that can accept it” while also providing you with the perfect opportunity to make a joke about how “it’s basically fifty bucks Canadian!” to the forced laughter of your colleagues.