Pragmatic supervillain sets sights on conquering small Midwestern township - The Beaverton
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Pragmatic supervillain sets sights on conquering small Midwestern township

LANESBORO, MN – Residents of a tiny American township were mildly confused last week when Professor Mastermind, a prolific supervillain famous for his use of mind control, announced that he was downgrading his global domination goals in favour of a more realistic takeover of their small slice of Minnesota.

“I’ve been in the business a long time, and I’m getting tired,” the evildoer explained as he supervised his minions setting up his lair in a cute little pop-up shop right in the heart of the single-street downtown area. “Every time I try to take over the world it just feels more and more unnecessarily ambitious.”

“What could I possibly hope to achieve ruling the entire planet that I can’t achieve ruling here?” he said, sweeping his arm around dramatically to demonstrate his absolute domination over the local post office slash internet cafe.

is key. Here in, uh, Lamesbucket? Am I saying that correctly?” he said, squinting at the township’s sign, which was drunkenly defaced by local vandals last week. “I really feel like this place will be easier to bend to my evil will. Susan from down the street brought me welcome cookies at my Victory Is Nigh speech last night, so I think I’m off to a great start.”

The township’s citizens have responded to Professor Mastermind’s arrival with puzzled but good natured curiosity, with one bystander remarking that the villain’s attempt to reign supreme was “the most exciting thing to happen to our area since Bob from the old McNulty Farm won the state pumpkin contest two years back”.

“Y’know, we could use some excitement around here,” explained Marge Humbleton, leader of the township’s local knitting association. “And when Mr. Mastermind announced that he would be building a giant quantum death ray in the abandoned canning factory out on Highway 403, we even brought out the donation box. Think of the jobs that’ll bring in!”

When reached for comment about whether he had any plans to try and stop Professor Mastermind, big city superhero The Crimson Soldier grimaced and mentioned something about “letting those folks figure out their own business,” adding “I’d have to rent a car, he’s way the hell out there in the country, the travel time alone would eat up my whole weekend.”

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