SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following this past week’s announcement that Juul Labs would be discontinuing their top-selling mint e-cigarette pods, the company has revealed its plans to release wrongful-death-lawsuit flavoured pods.
The new pods are crafted to mimic the hyperventilation experienced by worried CEOs of modern tobacco companies slammed with countless lawsuits. Juul hopes that by allowing customers to participate in the company’s misery, they’ll be more understanding of the adverse effects they are causing by constantly complaining about nicotine related deaths.
“Most teenagers are drawn to our e-cigarettes for our sleek designs and candy-like flavours,” said Hannah Nguyen, a spokesperson for the brand. “But by terminating our most popular flavour and replacing it with a sensorial nightmare, we hope to cover our due diligence towards public health.”
In a consumer test conducted by a third-party agency, 78% of teenagers reported that they would continue to smoke Juuls, even if the pods were flavoured as deterrents. The deterrent pods tested were wrongful-death-lawsuit flavoured, hormonal-BO flavoured, and literal-shit flavoured.
One teen interviewed after the testing insisted that they would smoke Juuls regardless of what the company did, saying, “If I close my eyes while I hit the wrongful-death-lawsuit flavoured pod I can move past the taste of lawyer sweat and plummeting stocks, and actually taste light traces of cinnamon.”
This latest innovation comes weeks after the company announced Juul Retro, a healthier alternative to combustible e-cigarettes, which some critics have identified as being just cigarettes.