Improved mall map tells visitors how to just get to the goddamned Cinnabon - The Beaverton
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Improved mall map tells visitors how to just get to the goddamned Cinnabon

– Visitors to an Ontario mall are raving about the newly implemented map system which clearly and concisely communicates to visitors how to just get to the freakin’ already.

“Before, the map was a confusing hodgepodge of information with colour-coded sections and numbered categories that took forever to interpret,” said David Kilgour, a frequent patron, “now it ignores all that other garbage and tells you exactly how to get from where you are to where the Cinnabon is, which is all anyone wants anyhow.”

The new map has phased out extraneous information such as washrooms, exits, and 99% of the stores and has replaced it with two bright yellow symbols: one that identifies where the reader is and one that shows where the Cinnabon is. Included below the map are detailed instructions on which direction to turn your body and a list of turns to take to reach the only part of the mall worth visiting.

“Sure, sometimes I want to go to Lids or the movie theatre but if I end up getting lost searching for those places, it’s no big loss,” said Marsha Janson, “but if I’m going to be walking at an incredibly slow gait around an air-conditioned mall, I have to make sure I have a 3,000 calorie ball of sugar dough to enjoy while I’m doing it.”

Mall staff are also praising the new system with the numbers of people approaching security or the information desk demanding to be escorted to the “freaking Cinnabon now, damnit!” dropping by 89%.

However, store owners at the mall are less enthused by the update. Banana Republic manager Chet Ritchie commented: “The vast majority of our business was mall patrons who got lost while looking for the Cinnabon. This is going to seriously affect our bottom line.”

With the success of the new map system, engineers are busy at work to continue to improve it by introducing directions to visitors as to how to avoid that horrible year-round Christmas store.

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