OTTAWA – Elections Canada is issuing a special warning to all advocacy groups that they should not issue any scientifically verifiable facts during the election that would interfere with Canada’s democracy.
Chief Electoral Officer Stéphane Perrault explained that communicating proven science such as climate change, melting glaciers, or a baking soda and vinegar volcano science project could indirectly challenge the candidacy of Maxime Bernier.
“Confirming or denying what candidates say with scientific reasoning or peer-reviewed studies is considered advocacy,” explained Perrault to the press. “Some say the earth revolves around the sun. Others say magic. Advocacy groups must remain silent on that trouble-maker Galileo Galilei and his controversial discoveries.”
Perrualt also confirmed an Elections Canada investigation into a 10-year-old’s school project on endangered species for illegal third party advertising against the People’s Party of Canada.
“Scientists should keep new discoveries such as cures for deadly diseases to themselves until after the election because someone may disagree with it politically,” added Perrault. “People will die happy knowing that the vote appeared to be fair and transparent because no one could say anything.”
An assistant interrupted Perrault during his briefing to whisper a critical development in Maxime Bernier’s new platform.
“We’ve checked with what Maxime Bernier’s opinions are on the menstrual cycle and now he’s denying women exist,” said Perrault revising policy in real-time. “So we’re warning everyone not to refer to themselves in the feminine pronoun or else they could be indirectly advocating against the a PPC candidate throughout the election period.
…Also, do not use the word ‘period.’”
Meanwhile at the Kremlin, Russian President Vladmir Putin sat back in a comfortable chair to watch Canada destroy its democracy without his help.