CALGARY — One of the United Conservative Party’s first acts is to create a brand new task force to find a replacement for the oil sands as the erratic, short term linchpin of Alberta’s economy.
“I ran on a platform of narrow, short-term economic thinking and I will deliver on that,” stated premier Jason Kenney before an enthusiastic crowd. “We believe that Albertans deserve job security, and then to have that job security ripped away from them when factors outside our control crash the one sector of the economy we rely on.”
The task force is looking into multiple industries including coal, mercury, landline phone manufacturing, and obscure crypto currencies. They reportedly tried to lure a new Geocities HQ to Fort McMurray, before this plan was dismissed as too consistent and reliable.
Other boom-and-bust industries being investigated include whaling, fax machine repair, phrenology, dynamite transportation, Delorean manufacture, and producing full length pornographic films “with storylines and everything”.
“Currently, Alberta has the most brick-and-mortar travel agents per capita in Canada,” boasted Kenney.
“Notley was long term this, renewable that,” said Edmonton resident Susan Griggs “But I like the dizzying highs and devastating lows that an unreliable industry like only the oil sands can provide. I want to be boasting about how we don’t need sales tax one day and then begging for handouts the next.”
The Alberta government is currently suing the federal government for what they claim is “gross over-regulation of the Hydrogen blimp industry”.