TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada.
Despite hundreds of billions of hours the country spends watching their NHL teams lose, Canadians from coast-to-coast realized they had been watching and playing the wrong sport for over a century the moment they locked eyes on a Toronto Raptors playoff game.
“This sport was invented by a Canadian?” asked Rhonda Simpson from Calgary watching Game 6. “Jesus, this is great game. Why the hell didn’t I start watching this earlier?”
“What am I doing anymore?” Toronto Maple Leafs forward John Tavares asked himself after watching Kawhi Leonard sink the last point that sealed the team’s fate as champions of the NBA. “This is far more exciting; plus there’s more points and less concussions.”
“I’VE WASTED MY LIFE,” said CBC’s Hockey Night in Canada commentator and professional loud man Don Cherry. “WHAT IS A FOUL? 2 MINUTES OR 4?”