OTTAWA – The Canadian government was contacted by Trump aides today, demanding the removal of all McCain products from Canadian food suppliers in order keep the American president from thinking about his long-standing feud with late Senator John McCain while in Canada.
The email specified what methods the Trump administration considers appropriate means of destruction. “The McCain name being out of sight of the president, that is crucial, but the manner of their disposal may help soothe him. Fire is acceptable, however he has specifically requested something more cruel and symbolic. Perhaps if you can find some way to give them all cancer.”
While all McCain products were placed on the no-fry list, SuperFries took the brunt of Trump’s displeasure, with aides citing the word ‘super’ as the primary issue.
“President Trump believes SuperFries think they’re better than regular fries and he will not stand for such a condescending tone in a snack food. He also demands that the words ‘super’ and ‘McCain’ never appear together on any package, t-shirt, flag, banner, slogan, or battleship in his presence.”
When asked to comment, Canadian Foreign Affairs minister, Chrystia Freeland said “We believe the complete destruction of a beloved Canadian product and important contributor to the Canadian economy can be avoided by simply making sure the President never enters a grocery store. We don’t think this won’t be a problem, as we are certain that he doesn’t know what they are.”
The Canadian government has agreed to ensure that places President Trump does visit during any trips to Canada will be safeguarded against hurt feelings, with the removal of the word ‘McCain’ as well as any name with the prefix ‘Mc’. As a result, all Canadian McDonald’s will be formally changed to ‘Donald’s’.