MONTGOMERY, AL – In a contentious vote of 25 to 6, the legislature of the state of Alabama has passed a comprehensive bill making it a crime for anyone residing in the state to have an empty uterus.
House Bill 315, “The Uterus Fulfillment Act,” states that all Alabamians, and anyone staying in the state for longer than 48 hours, must be able to prove they either have no uterus or that their uterus is currently home to a human occupant.
“This legislation does not put any undue hardships on women, it applies to everyone equally,” the bill’s sponsor, Representative Terri Collins, said. “Human wombs are designed for one thing: growing babies. Making it a felony to have an empty uterus is the only way to ensure they are being used in the correct manner and not for irresponsible or ungodly purposes, like smuggling drugs or illegal aliens.”
“Don’t listen to the doomsayers, we’re not heartless,” Representative Collins assured. “The legislation only applies to fertile uterus bearers. Producing a doctor’s note will exempt girls who haven’t begun menstruating, infertile women and women who have gone through menopause. These notes will cost a great deal of money and any doctor who is found to give one to a fertile woman will be subject to a lengthy prison term, so the system is more than fair.”
The penalties for anyone found to have a functioning but vacant uterus are harsh, including jail terms of up to 99 years, forced fertilization, and, for repeat offenders, the death penalty. But the all-male group of lawmakers who voted for it is certain that once the bill is signed into law, people will wonder how the state ever existed without it.
“Imagine it, a sea of uteruses [sic], millions of them, filled to the brim with babies, performing their God given purpose,” said Lieutenant Governor Will Ainsworth, who supports the bill. “Sure, Alabama consistently scores among the bottom states in the country in terms of health care, education, economic growth, infrastructure, public safety, opportunity, and the fiscal stability of its state government, but you know what they say, the more the merrier.”
The few legislators who opposed the law tried to point out that people who have uteri aren’t broodmares and should have the right to decide what, if anything, occupies their bodily cavities, but were loudly shouted down as soon as they made the “women are human beings” argument.