Period-havers rejoice! Thanks to an exciting new development in IUD technology, with the Meelywna device, you’ll never have to suffer through another menstrual cycle again. The catch? When you cry, it’ll be blood. Talk about a game of would-you-rather!
The side effect, known as “oculosanguinisis”, is caused by a thick layer of mucus which forms just outside the cervix, and diverts menstrual fluid around the abdomen up to the head, where it’s expelled through the patient’s tear ducts. And you thought slip-and-slides were cool!
The verdict? Not surprisingly, users are split on it.
“My period cramps were getting so bad I was having to take a sick day every month,” one user, Mara Ito, told us. “I’m really glad that I don’t have to deal with that kind of pain anymore. That said, the side effects a real downer if I’m ever trying to chop onions.”
So, is it worth it? To get to the bottom of this quandary, we caught up with the makers of the IUD brand.
“True, some women have found that splooshing out a lot of blood, straight from their eyes, usually unexpectedly, can sometimes be inconvenient,” Dr. Lisa Haque, a Meelywna spokesperson told us. “But for many women, hormonal birth control with the potential to cause severe and unpredictable side effects is the only way to both prevent pregnancy and manage the serious health complications menstruation can involve. So basically, you kind of have to just take your chances and figure it out.”
“Plus what’s the alternative. Asking your partner to wear a condom? Seriously? Apparently they feel weird.”
(Dr. Haque also pointed out that in less than 5% of patients, Meelywna can lead to unexplained vaginal gravel, spontaneous howling, and the bends.)
So, while adjusting to side effects from hormonal birth control can be a little annoying at first, uncontrollable gushing blood from your eyeballs can be easily managed as long as you’re proactive in taking responsibility for your reproductive health. Which, let’s face it, we should all be in 2019.
At the end of the day, just make sure you bring appropriate sanitary products if you’re going to see a sad movie, breaking up with someone, getting yelled at by your boss, listening to rousing political speeches, attending funerals, or hell, just staring out the window of a bus on a gray afternoon. Oh and pro-tip: if it’s your wedding day, you’re going to want to wear an absorbent veil.