WASHINGTON D.C. – Joe Biden announced his third run for the Democratic presidential nomination today by slinking his arms around the waist of The United States of America, smelling its hair and whispering his political intentions in its ears.
“We need to put aside what divides us and come together to face the challenges of a new century,” Biden said while the nation tried to politely squirm out of his grip. “Governing is about connections, and no one is more committed to connecting with America than I am.”
When the nation realized this was happening no matter how they felt about it, they figured they might as well take the opportunity to ask the former Vice President for a detailed accounting of where he stands on issues such as rising inequality, predatory capitalism and the Green New Deal. Biden laughed, gave the nation’s arm a friendly squeeze and told them not to worry, he’ll make a great president.
“I just wish this was over,” said the nation as Biden launched into another story highlighting his close personal friendship with Barack Obama while gently stroking the top of the nation’s head. “I‘m trying so hard to avoid causing a scene, but I swear to God, if he tries to ‘compliment’ me one more time by telling me I don’t look a day over two hundred…”
Several other nations have spotted what is happening between Biden and America and are sympathetic but don’t know how to intervene without him turning his attentions to them.