The job market sure is depressing these days – from growing automation, to the gig economy, to the inevitable climate change apocalypse that will render everything you do meaningless anyway. But hey, we’ve still got like 10 years until then – so here’s our top tips for Gen Y job-hunters clinging to that last shred of hope.
The time-tested strategy for gainful employment since God gave that sweet messiah gig to his son Jesus. Having an aunt who owns a major multinational corporation is the best way to take advantage of this strategy, but a dad with a publishing empire or a sister who’s assistant manager at Shoppers Drug Mart work fine too. Sure beats wading out into the ocean and daring the currents to drag you to a watery grave.
2. Already have a job
How better to avoid the desperate scramble than by already having a well-paid position with four weeks vacation and good office snacks. Or a part-time gig pet-sitting a badly-behaved iguana – you really can’t afford to be picky here – after all, the alternative is literally waiting for death.
3. Be so rich you don’t need a job
Instead of tossing another painstakingly curated resume on a pile with hundreds of other qualified candidates, why not consider having an eight-figure trust fund? Or if that doesn’t feel like an option, you could always try getting hitched to one of the last remaining oligarchs who don’t have a good prenup lawyer.
4. Be at the top of a pyramid scheme
Like way at the top – we’re talking top 5% – or don’t bother. The most efficient way to achieve this is to have started a successful pyramid scheme decades ago, but you can also try working your way up through backstabbing and treachery. Or, you know, lose the will to move and slowly starve to death. Your call.
This one’s self-explanatory. All you need is a webcam and a vastly inflated sense of self-worth.
6. I hear Tim Hortons is hiring
Your MFA will be put to good use there. If you can make it past the online application screening, in-person interview, and out-perform candidates who were doctors in their home countries, you can look forward to raking in minimum wage while white ladies scream at you for toasting their bagels too dark.
7. Answer sketchy job ads on kijiji
Would you like the chance to be your own boss while earning thousands of dollars a day from the comfort of your own home? Yeah, me too. Sure, there’s a better chance answering that ad will end with you chopped up in a freezer, but hey – if you get horrifically murdered, you won’t need to worry about paying the bills!