TORONTO – After a disappointing first date in which he felt his romantic gestures went unappreciated, Mike Peterson mourned the demise of chivalry, despite having never led an army, competed in a joust, or killed a serf for shooting a sacred hart on the King’s land.
“Apparently women just don’t want a knight in shining armour anymore,“ the 32-year-old griped, clearly unaware that, as a part-time barista, he was vastly under-qualified to serve as a low-ranking member of the nobility tasked with maintaining his Lord’s kingdom. “I was just trying to respect her, and she kept asking me how the Crusades were going, whatever that means.”
Peterson’s date, Katie Mitchell, was frustrated by his attempts to woo her, which included refusing to let her hold the door open for him, and insisting on paying for the entire meal despite her objections.
“Mike kept insisting feminism has destroyed the concept of chivalrous behaviour, but hadn’t even heard of the principles of Courtly Love. He also told me I was “smokin’ hot” as if that were comparable to bravely riding into battle on horseback for the honour of your King. I mean, has he even sworn his Oath of Fealty to God? Given how little he tipped our server, I highly doubt it.”
Local historian Janice Whittaker was offended to hear that Peterson equated pulling out a lady’s chair with intimate knowledge of medieval warfare, weaponry and horsemanship.
“I think Mr. Peterson should spend less time moaning about how women don’t appreciate his outdated displays of affection and more time presiding over illiterate tenant farmers, like he swore a sacred vow to do,” she advised. “It’s as I always say: if you can hold sway over a fiefdom, you can hold sway over a woman’s heart.”
When asked how he intended to remain on Tinder while still upholding the dignity and sanctity of the Church, Peterson pointed out that he “Totally doesn’t send dick pics anymore, so Jesus and I are cool.”