LETHBRIDGE, AB – During a hockey game Tuesday, local unemployed man Gareth Krag became quite outspoken about the lack of hustle shown by players on both teams. Over the 3 hour broadcast, he used choice insults such as “lazy kid” and “no heart kid” while several layers of cheesy powders accumulated on his fingers due to a collection of snack-foods.
“This is supposed to be the most physical matchup of the season, but those guys looked like they were barely even trying,” said the 48-year-old who was dismissed from his marketing firm 18 weeks ago. “Especially that kid wearing number 85, I’ve watched a lot of hockey in my day and nothing gets past me, I know that guy really lacks any hustle or heart, he’ll never make it with an attitude like that.”
Mr. Krag’s dismissal from his most recent job is reported to be due to a string of late arrivals ranging from 15 minutes to 2 hours with a flurry of excuses of varying believability and effort. “One time he told me he was 45 minutes late because his alarm clock didn’t go off,” explained former boss Kayla Tusil. “Which would have been fine, if he weren’t also carrying about $30 worth of breakfast sandwiches from at least 3 different brunch spots.”
Krag spends the majority of his evenings yelling at the television, referring to the vast majority of players as being too lazy to succeed despite he himself having yet to apply for a job since losing the office position his uncle had given him years prior. Prior to working at a position his uncle secured for him, Krag had been a middle manager at his father’s company. Sources say he is yet to secure a job without family involvement.
When asked via Skype to clarify what it meant for a hockey player to “have hustle”, Gareth was silent for 3 minutes before replying with a series of buzzwords including tough, gritty, and unstoppable flavour, leading many to believe that he may have been reading off a packet of beef jerky.