OTTAWA – With the winter months here, Canadians across the country are making preparations to get so cozy, you don’t even know.
“Oh man, I’m going to make winter my bitch this year,” said Calgary resident Dennis Milton. “You motherfuckers haven’t seen cozy until you see how I do cozy.”
“I got 15 pairs of sweatpants, a freezer full of frozen pizzas and quilts for days. I’m not coming out of the house until May.”
Milton’s sentiment was echoed by many across the country, who emphasized that, not only were they going to be cozy, they were also going to be motherfucking snug as a bug in a rug. Said Haligonian Milt Bowler,
“You want an image of me for the next five months, just picture me sipping some cocoa, eating a cinnamon bun while wrapped up in my grandma’s quilt like a boss. And yes, I will be wearing god dam slippers, as if you have to ask.”
Other hardcore cozy moves this year include taking a bath next to a fireplace, wearing two robes (one forward, one backward) to provide maximum coverage, and acquiring a number of huskies whose fur you can nuzzle into.
“I got not one, not two, but three space heaters. I don’t give a shit about Hydro,” added Bowler.
Unfortunately, just as the nation had achieved peak coziness they remembered they still needed to shovel the driveway.
