OTTAWA – Taxpayer groups and competing defence contractors alike are calling foul after it was revealed Lockheed Martin’s bid for a $60 billion contract to build Canada’s next generation of warships was just a flipbook made up of screenshots of the 1997 sequel to Speed, Speed 2: Cruise Control.
“The bid didn’t meet the criteria set out by the Royal Canadian Navy,” Alion Science and Technology, a losing bidder for the same contract, said in a press release slamming the government’s decision. “Lockheed’s bid was non-compliant in regards to velocity requirements, necessary berth space, and also every other compulsory specification because it was a collection of pictures of a Sandra Bullock movie.”
“The worst Sandra Bullock movie. By a huge margin.”
The Trudeau government hasn’t explained why they are moving forward with such an important contract to a company whose bid consisted solely of pictures from what is considered by many to be one of the worst sequels of all time. The film currently has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4%, but allegations of a rigged process that allowed Lockheed Martin to take advantage of a statistically unlikely preponderance of Jason Patric fans on the selection committee have been met with scorn by Defence Minister Harjit Sajjan.
“Of course Canadians love The Lost Boys,” Sajjan said when pressed to comment on alleged favouritism in the selection process. “But everyone tasked with military procurement in Canada swears not to let our love for Joel Schumacher’s 1987 vampire classic or our respect for the immense talents of Mr. Patric affect our ability to remain impartial when making billion dollar defense decisions.”
While Lockheed’s winning warship bid will likely continue to garner controversy, their F-35 bid (a leather jacket worn by Tom Cruise in the movie Top Gun presented by an acapella group wearing aviators and singing Highway to the Danger Zone) remains the gold standard the world over in military procurement proposals.