UN condemns Canada’s cruel and unusual treatment of mobile phone customers - The Beaverton
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UN condemns Canada’s cruel and unusual treatment of mobile phone customers

NEW YORK – The UN General Assembly has condemned Canada’s ill treatment of millions of its cell phone customers by the country’s corporate telecommunication juntas.

The resolution that called on Canadian wireless providers to “stop screwing people left, right, and centre with these goddamned data fees” passed 191-1 with Israel abstaining.

“Unlike the rest of the world, including some of the poorest countries on earth, Canadians can’t afford to pay for their monthly bills thanks to these sadistic oligopolies,” said South Africa’s Ambassador to the UN Jerry Matjila. “They exploit the innocent by hustling so-called ‘low-cost deals,’ but leave millions trapped in two year contracts with outrageous prices that I would not wish on any of my worst enemies. Seriously, it’s bullshit.”

Canadians fleeing wireless persecution and ruthless gouging have little recourse, with the Bell faction secretly demanding that the government block certain websites.

After a lengthy investigation, the UN determined that the regulatory body responsible for protecting consumers, the CRTC, is either too slow to respond or complacent in the crimes committed by the Canadian telecommunication rackets.

Members of the General Assembly made it clear that they would never pay $50 per GB in extra data even if their lives depended on it adding “fuck you, Rogers.”

“I have visited Canada to see the abuse for myself,” said UN Secretary General António Guterres in a statement to the press. “I tried to report back to UN Headquarters, but couldn’t afford to pay for the roaming charges.”

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