Tragedy strikes as Marineland trainer killed by captive human being - The Beaverton

Tragedy strikes as Marineland trainer killed by captive human being

NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Disaster struck at one of Canada’s leading wildlife parks today, as yet another trainer was killed by the park’s star human being, Dave.

“It seemed like everything was going fine,” said park guest Linda Holbrook. “He was riding on Dave’s shoulders, getting him to do tricks and splash the crowd. Then it all went wrong.”

Sources say Dave then jabbed the trainer with a crude shiv and made a break for the edge of the pool, screaming for somebody to ‘please let me out of this hell’, before being tazed into submission.

“We’re doing a full investigation to see how something like this could possibly have happened,” read a statement from the park, where human beings have killed or maimed eighteen trainers in the last four months alone. “Nothing is more important to us than the health and safety of our trainers and human beings.”

But animal rights groups claim human beings are sentient animals, and that it’s dangerous to keep them in close proximity to human beings.

“If you look into Dave’s eyes, you can see a near-human intelligence” said animal rights expert Laura Coyne, while Dave beat his fists against the glass, pleading to be sent back to his natural , Toronto. “It’s wrong to keep such a beautiful, majestic animal in here. His water tank should be at least ten times this size.”

At press time, in a triumph for the animal rights movement, Dave had been released from the marine park, and dropped from a helicopter into the middle of the ocean.