SYDNEY N.S. – Footage has emerged on social media revealing a nefarious breeze reaching up the clothing of dozens of different people to tickle or caress their bare skin without consent. A disproportionate number of those affected were women wearing billowy skirts and summer dresses. Only one of the wind’s victims was a man in a kilt.
“I’m a force of nature,” the wind stated in a breathy voice that rustled the leaves of nearby trees. “I get to do what I want, and lifting up skirts is just the sort of thing that gets my barometric pressure rising,” the rapid air movement added before howling maniacally and knocking a heavy tree branch through the windshield of a parked car.
“At first I was only a little annoyed when the breeze lifted up my dress,” explained one woman who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s not like it’s the worst thing that’s happened to me while I’ve been out for a walk. But when I found out that this particular breeze was getting off on it, I thought ‘Aw man, does EVERYTHING have a gross boner now?’”
While the wind has not yet been formally charged with any crime, many commenters on social media have been rushing to defend it. “You can’t SEE wind, so how can we know that these women didn’t just reach up their own skirts for attention?” asks a Twitter user by the name of AtmosFreedom. “The Loony Left is trying to take down the wind because they hate that it supports our flag!” wrote SJWtriggerer.
“Look I’m not asking for us to invent some elemental jail that we can throw the wind into,” said Carol Woodrow, whose linen dress was unwantedly lifted up to her waist by the grossly inappropriate weather. “I’m just acknowledging that this is a thing that happens. Saying that it happens shouldn’t be controversial.” As of press time Woodrow’s twitter account had received more than two dozen death threats and a condemnation by the newly formed activist group Stop Carol Woodrow’s Reverse-Sexist Elemental Jail.