MOSCOW – The Canadian government has relocated its NAFTA trade negotiations to Russia, a diplomatic maneuver that will eliminate US President Donald Trump as a middleman.
Five Canadian members of the trade mission to save NAFTA diverted their plane from Washington, DC to Moscow after Trump’s press conference in Finland.
“Rather than negotiate with an erratic and contradictory proxy like Mr. Trump, we’d much prefer to have the ear of someone who has a real pull with the US Administration,” said Chrystia Freeland, Minister of Foreign Affairs. “We can end this trade war if we start complimenting the Russian leader on his manliness and ignore how many journalists or opposition leaders he’s killed.”
Freeland added “there was too much on the line to waste our time on an angry marionette show.”
After Russian President Vladimir Putin met his subordinate in Helsinki this week, the Canadian trade delegation is now taking cues from the Russian leader who has tremendous sway in determining US foreign policy as well as electoral outcomes.
“We’re asking Mr. Putin to instruct Mr. Trump to instruct Republicans in Congress to kill Buy American requirements-related bills,” said one unnamed Canadian delegate. “And maybe replace the US Ambassador to Canada with someone who believes in climate change, but we might have to recognize the Crimea as part of Russia.”
In an effort to sway the Russian delegation, Freeland and her team plan on greeting their counterparts with a traditional human rights abuse.