TORONTO – As the weather warms up, heralding the return of dooring season, the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources has released new guidelines for the number of cyclists that motorists will be allowed to knock over with their car doors this year. The number represents a 30% increase from last year’s quota.
“At this time of year, most people will notice an increase in the cyclist population to levels we consider to be dangerously annoying, which is why dooring is such an important part of maintaining the automobile’s position as alpha vehicle,” said Ministry of Natural Resources spokesperson Robert Cosgrove. “Dooring is a fun and easy activity that people of all ages can participate in, so we just want to get families out there exiting their parked cars as quickly and recklessly as they can.”
Unlike animal culls, the goal during dooring season is not necessarily to kill cyclists, only to injure, frighten or enrage them enough to get them to give up biking for at least part of the season. With potholes and streetcar tracks as their only other natural predators, the Ministry insists that they must rely on motorists to control the size of the cyclist population.
“This is all part of balancing a fragile ecosystem,” explained Cosgrove. “These quotas are actually good for cyclists. If their numbers increase too high, they will be faced with devastating lycra shortages and have to suffer through increased bell ringing. Opening a car door in a cyclist’s face while they are moving at 20 km/h is the humane thing to do.”
“I like to take my son dooring every year,” said car enthusiast Jared Urbank. “We park next to a bike lane and practice the phrase ‘I didn’t even see you coming!’ It’s a great way for us to bond through violence.”
Some cycling activists take issue with the practice of dooring, like Dimitri Cheikh, head of the awareness organization Bike Conscious: “Cars and bicycles don’t have to be enemies. Bikes actually help relieve traffic congestion and help the whole city move. If we work together–” Cheikh said before being struck in the head by a piece of garbage thrown from a passing vehicle.
Along with today’s announcement, the Ministry of Transportation has also reminded motorists to proceed with caution, as dooring can be a dangerous activity that comes with several potential risks, including dents, scratches and even chipped paint.