York, which consumes over 200,000 cubic metres of water a year, insists the city’s request that they pay for “all of it” is simply too far apart from their best offer – paying for 99,999 cubic metres using gift certificates that can only be redeemed at the York bookstore.
“They could get a lot of swag for that,” said Barbara Joy, York’s director of media relations. “For example, several thousand ‘York University Mom’ crew neck sweaters, or approximately half the books you need for an undergraduate science course.”
In a statement this week, York’s President, Rhonda Lenton told reporters: “We are disappointed the city is taking such an aggressive stance on this. For the sake of our beloved income units – er, students – we hope they will make the right decision.”
The York administration insists that the steady increase in their water bill in recent years comes from “students washing avocados to make avocado toast” and is “definitely not due to the secret executive spa / waterpark we built on top of the Scott Library”.
York reportedly intends to cut down on their overdue heating bill by burning the degrees of former students, and other garbage.