VICTORIA — Following three hours of browsing the internet at Second Cup, aspiring writer Jeffrey Burgess sadly continues to have no ideas.
“Getting out of the house helps open up my mind”, said Burgess to reporters, “I don’t get distracted by the comforts of home. It’s only a matter of time before I come up with something.” Nonetheless, he has spent the last twenty minutes tearing up a napkin into increasingly smaller pieces while staring out the window.
Burgess also claimed that being around the other creatives using the café as a makeshift office would get his creative juices flowing by osmosis. Upon closer inspection, however, the ‘creatives’ Burgess pointed out were discovered to be a trio of senior citizens sharing a copy of the National Post, and several tweens who were clearly trying coffee for the first time.
Katrina Wong, Burgess’ occasional writing partner, was not surprised with his lack of creativity. “Last week he said he had a great idea for a novel, and it just turned out to be the plot from last night’s episode of Blackish.”
Several of Burgess’ fellow customers have observed his pathetic, frustrated behaviours, ranging from drumming the table with his fingers, making noises with his lips, and kicking the chair opposite him. One patron even claimed she saw Burgess shut his laptop and pull out a notepad, muttering that he had to get offline, only to then pull out his phone and check Twitter.
In response to the stories of those like Burgess, Second Cup recently announced a new art mentorship program for the many hopeful writers, screenwriters and poets, though early participants say it is indistinguishable from the chain’s employee training program.
At press time, Burgess was walking from the café to the library in the vain hope that he would be inspired by sitting in a different uncomfortable chair.
