REPORT: Winnipeg unable to take your cold weather complaints seriously - The Beaverton
https://pixabay.com/en/winnipeg-canada-night-evening-76909/

REPORT: Winnipeg unable to take your cold weather complaints seriously

WINNIPEG – Reacting to a recent cold spat encompassing most of the country, the city of Winnipeg and the surrounding townships have been unable to take everyone else’s complaints about the weather seriously, according to a report released today.

“I want to feel bad for them, I really do,” said Winnipeg resident Sharon Cardinal, 37, who was biting her tongue her after reading her friends in Toronto complain about the cold online. “But, like, we’ll get temperatures as cold as the surface of Mars so…”

“Oh, and that’s without the windchill factor!” she added.

While places in southern Ontario were dealing with the cold by bundling up in the warmest clothing they own to brave the outdoors, many people in Winnipeg couldn’t help but wonder why so many of these people only seemed to own either stylish leather jackets or wool coats that work best in fall and spring.

“Why don’t these people own parkas?” said Richard Henderson, who has spent the last 59 winters of his life in Winnipeg. “This is Canada for God’s sake! Please, you’ve got to take care of yourselves!”

The report indicated that 30% of people from Winnipeg reacted to these complaints by laughing, while 45% pretended to cry about people moaning about winter temperatures that most Winnipeggers would call “balmy.”

At press time, why the fuck is Calgary so warm right now?

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!