ETOBICOKE – In what was an entirely nonsexual but definitely premeditated act, reports indicate that local father Peter Edwards, 55, approached Home Depot employee Garrett Sims, 22, with the prowess of a well versed pickup artist.
“He sauntered in and leaned up against a door knob display, clocking all of the employees on the floor and sizing them up. At first he bee-lined for me in Electrical, striking up a conversation about circuits, then looked dejected when I told him I was already helping someone,” said Ben Colby, another employee at the store. “It wasn’t long until he tried again, this time with Garrett in Building Materials.”
“I’m by far the youngest and least experienced in home renovation on our staff, so this happens to me all the time. Listless fathers whose kids have left them for university stroll in here looking for a young person to explain things to,” explained Sims. “I’m just trying to do my job.”
Sources say Edwards, who was wearing a neon yellow t-shirt that read ‘EAT, SLEEP, RENO, REPEAT’ during the incident, opened by approaching Sims from behind, a classic power move, and then tried negging him about his age and lack of knowledge on table saws.
“He seemed unfazed by my complete disinterest,” Sims told the press, “He showed me a bunch of blueprints for a bannister on his Blackberry and kept repeating that his neighbour who is a contractor said they were ‘pretty good’. There was nothing I could do but smile and nod.”
After Sims rejected Edwards advances for a high-five, a despondent Edwards reportedly drove over to a local Bass Pro Shop to chat up an employee about their new graphite fishing rods.