LAVAL, QC – Early reports show that just when you thought you had even less to talk about with your friend, she has decided to go all in on home-brewing kombucha.
Instead of buying a packaged kit like some amateur to start her on her self-proclaimed “bucha journey”, sources say your distant companion used tools she already had around her house. She proudly told you that she used the jars that she previously had used to make cold-brew coffee, which were previously used to make artisanal pickles, which were previously used to make seasonal fruit preserves.
“I drink it for the alleged health benefits. It can cure cancer, diabetes, heart disease, AIDS, and even reverse grey hair. And that’s only after one cup of this stuff!” your acquaintance said unprompted. “I also just feel like it’s doing something for my immune system, right? I’m pretty sure it has to be good for that.”
You wouldn’t even really call her an intimate friend, more so than someone you gave your contact info at a party in your early 20s. As the years have gone by since university, you’ve naturally lost touch with some people, yet somehow she has still remained ever-present in your life.
“I would never sell this stuff. I’m not doing it to participate in the corporate fermented tea rat-race, I do it because I don’t do anything else.”
Your friend has even offered to give you some of her SCOBY so that you can start your own batch. However, after a politely declining, she told you it’s an acronym for “symbiotic ‘colony’ of bacteria and yeast”, to which you then violently declined.
“It truly is amazing to see something you raised, grow up to be this beautiful nourishing thing. You have kids right? Brewing kombucha is kinda like that,” your associate declared while pushing past dust-laden bottles of home-brewed craft beer.
Despite her incessant lecturing on the scientifically unproven health benefits of her signature brown sour water, at least she’s a whole lot better than the friend who’s into crystals, so there’s that.
