TORONTO – After recently buying Shoppers Drug Mart, Loblaw’s has merged the nation’s two most popular consumer loyalty points programs into the PC Optimum points program, finally giving millennials a means of sustaining themselves in retirement.
“With my low-paying job and high rent, my Optimum and PC points technically constituted the only savings I had,” said Rachel Garrison, 26, of North Vancouver, BC. “Now that they’re in one points program, I can’t afford not to buy from Loblaws and Shoppers for the rest of my adult life, since I’ll have no choice but to bank enough points to subsist off of their products in my 80s.”
The one-to-one correspondence of point values means that staples like groceries and medicine will be purchasable for a wide swath of young people who were otherwise hoping to find a giant pile of money in the street one day to get them through old age. Some experts speculate that as their market share grows, PC Optimum Points will even be able to pay for things such as private in-home care, life-insurance premiums, and nursing home residences.
At press time, millennials were getting the PC Optimum barcode tattooed on their bodies so they’ll never forget their card ever again.