CRANBROOK, BC – Claiming “you can’t be too prepared”, local woman Lori Patel revealed this week that she has mournful Facebook statuses ready to go for the upcoming deaths of hundreds of celebrities.
While she used to wait until a famous person passed to eulogize them on Facebook, Ms. Patel saw the 2016 death of George Michael as a major turning point.
“When George Michael died, everything changed.” she said. “I was so busy that day, all I could do was just write ‘RIP’ and share a link. My Facebook friends deserved better from me. When something like this happens, they look to me for guidance, I assume.”
“What if they thought I was happy he died?” she added.
From that day on Patel vowed to adopt the newspaper practice of writing obituaries in advance.
“I started the crucial work of listing every living celebrity I could think of and eulogizing them in advance. At first I was doing it alphabetically, but when Mary Tyler Moore died I was still stuck on Anthony Anderson. I knew I needed a better way.”
Following this setback, Ms. Patel developed a system to determine the order of celebrities to preemptively mourn. Using a rubric of age, sickness, level of fame, and “it factor” she was able to determine a more efficient order in which to write her posts.
The results speak for themselves. Mere seconds after the death of Gord Downie was announced, Lori posted a 500 word status about what his music had meant to her. The post currently has over 2000 likes.
“I really nailed it with Downie.” says Patel. “If I hadn’t developed my system, I’d probably still be working on Al Jaffee – the guy who did the Mad Magazine fold-ins. What am I really going to say about him? I’m ‘mad’ about your work, so sad you got folded into a grave? Hmm… That’s good, actually.”
Ms. Patel’s success has only made her double her efforts. Some of her most noteworthy upcoming statuses include a heartfelt offer to talk to any of her friends about mental health after Charlie Sheen’s upcoming death, condolences to Jared Leto’s family for his inevitable method acting accident, and a sobering reminder that just because he’s dead, we shouldn’t forgive Jay Z for cheating on Beyonce and stabbing a guy in the 90s.
Ms. Patel then received a Google alert on her phone and excitedly excused herself to “Make a few quick posts.” The Beaverton sends our thoughts and prayers to the families of whoever she was posting about.