VANCOUVER – Not everyone approves of the shift toward smoke-free tobacco alternatives, including one hobo who says he’s sick and tired of floating through the air towards the smell of fresh-baked pie, only to arrive at what turns out to be a kid with an e-cigarette who’s exhaling fruit smells throughout the neighborhood.
“As a hobo, I’ve spent a lot of time going place to place by following the scent of a pie cooling on a windowsill,” explained long-time hobo Willie ‘Boxcar’ Bigsby. “I think every hobo knows that feeling of getting a whiff of a delicious pie cooling somewhere nearby, and then closing your eyes and licking your lips as you levitate through the air, drifting along a near-invisible line of pie smell until you locate the pie.”
Indeed, surveys consistently show that this remains the preferred method of finding pies among the hobo community.
“The tremendous physical effort required to sniff a distant pie so hard that your feet lift off the ground, and you float down the road towards its source, means it’s not something a hobo casually decides to do,” added Bigsby. “And I’m sick of floating towards what I think is pie for several blocks, only to discover some dweeb kid puffing some kind of specialty boysenberry vape juice.”
While Bigsby says he’s glad there are so many flavor options available to those seeking an alternative to traditional smoking, he also explained that kids filling the air with the scent of heated cherry, blueberry and apple have cost him countless hobo hours – time he could have spent grifting, weaving a tall tale or simply scheming to steal an actual pie.
“The next time it happens, I’m just eating the kid,” he declared. “Yeah, I said it, so what? What are you going to do about it? I’m a hobo.”
Vape-related hobo confusion is only expected to spike in spring of 2018, when the long awaited “barrel fire” and “used harmonica” e-juice flavors are released.
