Guelph, ON – Ralph Schelling, mortgage broker and certified dunce, was overheard on a local patio expressing cautious optimism to a friend that things may finally be getting better.
“I mean, remember when everyone on Facebook couldn’t wait for 2016 to be over? And then, Pfffgghhghgh!” Schelling said, miming an explosion with his hands and chuckling in a manner befitting such a consummate simpleton.
But then the widely-acknowledged halfwit proclaimed an earnest belief that 2018 will be different, for some reason. “Like when Alice and I were dating. Remember Alice? She always had such pretty nails.”
Schelling, an avowed nincompoop, pointed to recent stock market gains, promising trailers for upcoming movies and an intriguing email he just received from a Nigerian prince as evidence that the worldwide state of perpetual crisis is finally really over. He then playfully rapped his knuckles against his skull, making exaggerated knocking noises to imply it was made of wood.
“I’m not saying everything will be great. But the good will go back to outweighing the bad. Like, we’ll see the glass as half full again,” said the man whose entire fantasy football pool calls a total chowderhead, as he tried to shoo two angry wasps from his glass, which was barely a quarter full. “I mean, it’s not like things could get any worse, right?”
In a related story, a global panel of experts declared that things, bad as they are, could still definitely get much worse.