TORONTO – Following the demolition of Toronto landmark Honest Ed’s, workers on site have discovered chambers underneath the building filled the mutilated bodies of several thousand prices.
“Good god, I’m gonna be sick,” said foreman Mario Sturino, seeing that some of the prices had been cut right in half. “That Ed was a nut, look at all the cashew… oh christ, the smell!”
Specialists in bargain forensics have determined that some of the bodies beneath the building were hidden there as early as its opening in 1948. There appears to be no preferred victim type, with the slashed prices ranging from household cleaning appliances and toiletries to “fancy sundries” and “all-purpose blankets”.
“What we can see here is the work of a deranged butcher,” said detective Rhea Hanson. “Cutting prices like that to meat demands. I’ve never seen sausage a thing in my entire career.”
“I don’t think the floors were the only thing crooked here.”
Detective Hanson has now begun the onerous task of contacting the factories and wholesalers of the many deceased. In the meantime, the Mirvish family have released their own statement.
“My father believed in the value of a good deal, and grate deals on cheese,” said David Mirvish, who resents that he is mandated by will to include at least one pun in all public addresses, “but he knew where to draw the line. If anyone in this city believes that Ed Mirvish would do those things to the price of a broom, a good honest broom, then they don’t know the man.”
“I don’t buy it,” commented Detective Hanson to reporters after the address. “We all know Mirvish loved his savings; it’s just too bad the inno-cents couldn’t be saved.”