Tofino, BC – Continuing a weekend-long binge, a local shark bored-ate a terrible surfer Monday morning.
“I wasn’t hungry, to be honest,” the shark said as he bit open a bottle of pepto bismol. “But he was there and I guess I just wanted that feeling of chewing.”
Experts attribute a growing trend in shark attacks to the emotional eating patterns of younger sharks, raised to view food within a reward system.
“They’re bored-eating, anxious-eating, shame-eating is a big one lately,” said marine biologist Junior Nkosi. “And when the mood strikes, they’ll eat any food, no matter how lacking in charm or athleticism it may be.”
Thursday’s fatal attack — the fifth this month — has locals and researchers terrified about the rising rates of shark obesity. Although human flesh is increasingly abundant, the quality has seen a significant decline.
Having spent the rest of the afternoon hating himself, the shark has vowed to “start eating healthier,” although no details have been released regarding what or whom he considers to be part of a healthy diet.
